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Lexi's Realm of Madness |
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May 05 EngagedSaturday night Ron asked me to marry him. Yup, I'm gonna be known as Rachel Bradley! It's funny how we came back to each other. I mean I could've never spoken to him but I love him--I've always loved him. And I really can't see myself being with anyone else. He was perfect for me. Sure there were some not so perfect things the first time around but ya know...we're working on it.
We're gonna get married on September 8...we just haven't decided the year yet. His grandparents were married on that date and I think it's a good date! We're planning on staying engaged for a couple years and then we're gonna have a ceremony. I don't want a big ceremony...just a small one. Although I don't have a ring yet, I'm thinking I'll kill him if he gets me a big rock! The ring isn't the important thing...which is why I don't want some huge ring.
We both love each other dearly and don't care what other people think. Basically those people can kiss our asses. We are happy together and that's really all that matters. April 23 Depression Taking HoldMy depression seems to be in full swing these days. I've been suicidal on and off, the cutting urges are really strong, and I feel so worthless and hopeless. There's just been so much going on. Dad's started to look at me sexually again, is constantly degrading women, often beating women into the ground--making me feel like I'm worthless and like a piece of shit. No wonder I have no self esteem! Plus, I turned 30 yesterday. No I don't think 30 is old, but just the fact that I'm celebrating alone pretty much (no family) makes it really hard. Sure I have family, but none that wanted to spend it with me.
I feel dead inside anymore. Like I don't even really exist. Thanks to all the people, including my family who have had a shot at destroying the person I could've been. April 02 So BusyThere's been a lot going on lately. My brother, Bill, has been staying with us while he's going through this rough time along with his 18 month old daughter, Joselyn. So far the PFA against his ex, Heather, is working. Tomorrow is the first supervised visit that Heather has with Joselyn...we'll see how that goes. Me & Bill have been spending so much time together. I'm spending almost every minute with him and Joselyn. I haven't spent this much time offline in a long time. It's worth it, though.
Today I had to take some time away from everyone. It's getting to be too much for me right now. With dad being a constant jerk to me and just being so selfish, I can't stand much else...I just have to get away. I love being with my brother...he's the only one that I fit in with...but it's a lot to always be on the go.
I'm gonna make this a short entry...just haven't had much time to be online at all. March 29 Endless Chatter I finally got my meds yesterday...about fucking time! I had been off them for over a week and by the time I got them I was hospital material! It's amazing how fast you can fall when you aren't medicated. I figure someday they'll just say that people in my condition should be shut up in the state hospital...I dunno. That's what they did to a few relatives of mine...they died in Warren State Hospital many moons ago...lol. Sometimes I wonder what's real...like is what's in my head when I'm off my meds real or is the stuff in my head when I'm medicated real? Sometimes I wonder because they're complete opposites! On my meds, I'm pretty joyfull and happy-go-lucky. Off my meds I'm a paranoid, hateful, mistrusting nutcase. I've literally got the scars to prove it! It just makes me wonder sometimes is all. Oh well...I'm just another product of society I guess. Leave it up to people to totally fuck up the good ones out there. March 24 Make the Panic Stop!Today when my brother's ex called I felt such intense panic...like I
used to. You know when your panic gets so bad that you collapse...you
lose all body functions other than that intense fear??? You wanna cry,
scream, run...yeah that's what today's panic attack consisted of...I
knew if I wasn't sitting I would've been on the ground. It's been a long time since I've had panic attacks this bad. It's like fainting except you don't lose consciousness...you just collapse over such emotional stuff but you're still awake. Well at least I didn't convulse...I used to do that right after a panic attack...my body would involuntarily jerk no matter how still I tried to be...and I'd dissociate so bad. And I'm supposed to go to ground zero??? Two houses up from where I was molested...two houses up from my ex stepfather. Dad just thinks I'm being stubborn or being stupid. Yeah...figures that would come from a man... And a man who has made excuses for every man who has ever abused me...or right in front of my face discussed with my mother whether or not they should believe me about being strangled and forced on a little girl. He doesn't wanna accept the truth...he doesn't wanna hear the truth...he just laughs when I tell him...like my pain is such a big joke...like it's ok what every man does to me...but it's never as bad as what a woman does to him (the worst thing a woman has ever done to him was cheated on him...he's never been abused).
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